 Loading ...
Dear Persuader,
You’ve heard the saying; you can’t know someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. This is a technique on how to gain rapport by jumping into another person, stepping in, sliding in, moving in, being in that person, figuratively walking a mile in their shoes. Harper Lee wrote in To Kill a Mockingbird, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”
We are going to learn to climb into the skin of our prospects, experience them, their decision making mechanisms, their emotional states—so that we can better give them what they need and get what we need.
Sign Up For more Persuasion Techniques!
Our unconscious mind is a goal-seeking mechanism, and it’s a pattern recognition device that is incredibly brilliant and it can immediately pick up characteristics of others so that when we step into them, it already has formulated what we’re going to be experiencing.
How are we going to do this? The way I do it is I just look at you and jump in. I imagine in my mind that I am now you looking at me. It’s that simple. When I look at you, my unconscious, knowing that I’m going to step inside you, can very quickly build a pattern of who and what you are, such that when I step inside you, it already has constructed what’s going to happen. Once I’m inside you, I’m modeling you, or mirroring you so completely and so powerfully that the results can be startling both for you and for the person that this is being done with.
Is it real? I don’t know. I don’t really care. It’s a mental construct. I am making it up in my mind. I’m making up that I’m now in your body looking through your eyes.
Another option, one that I’ve had students tell me about, is building a picture the person you’re ‘becoming’, then you turn around so you’re facing the same way I am and just step in. This can be thought of as mirroring and this is one of the fastest ways of gaining rapport I have ever seen or used.
What if you work with people on the phone and you have no idea what they look like? Could you do the same thing anyway? Sure. What is it that you know about that person when you’re talking to them? They’ve got a phone to their ear, and they’ve got a voice, and their voice has characteristics, and those characteristics have conditions that your unconscious mind has seen before.
If we assume that there is a finite number of patterns that exist, and if we chunk up a little bit, go to a bigger level, we can say, for example, there are twelve astrological signs. There are seven major personality types, depending on the system that you’re working with. There are all sorts of different classification systems that will seek to limit the number of possible combinations.
Of course, humans are infinite. However, wouldn’t it be interesting to know that your unconscious, in its vast experience of dealing with all the people it has dealt with, has come across most all of the major patterns and major characteristics of the people that you’re dealing with? It knows what that other person can be like. Could you build an image of that person? Sure you can, you absolutely can, and you can step right in, even if you’re just on the phone.
This is a construct. We are constructing an image. Will it be accurate? Not exactly, but that’s okay, because if we’re in front of them, and we’re hearing them and we’re seeing them, and if they’re moving, we keep changing our construct until it’s identical to what they are, so for every minute, every second that goes by, ours gets better, and more complete and more powerful, and we’re locking right in to that person.
When you step in, you want to leave yourself behind and see through their eyes. When you do this, it establishes rapport at a very, very profound and deep level. Once you’re in them, you’ve really moved along the process of rapport, and you’ve moved it along because you’re so completely identifying with all of their behaviors, and all of who they are.
You can make this more powerful in a couple of ways. First, marvel at what it feels like and what their clothes feel like. If the person is of the opposite sex, you might feel what it feels like to be a woman or a man, whatever the case may be, and actually take on those characteristics.
What are their physical characteristics? How does it feel to have those characteristics? Notice when you step into the other person, where you feel the connection to them. Do you feel the connection in your stomach, in your feet, in your hands, in your chest, in your head? Where do you feel the connection? By asking yourself these questions you’ll deepen the rapport.
Before trying this, here’s something to keep in mind: if the person’s sick, if they have something considerably wrong with them, if you know that they’re not a particularly good person or they are someone you just don’t like, you might not choose to use this level of rapport, because you may not be able to shake it all the way off.
This is incredibly powerful. Even if you’re not particularly in touch with your energy, you can still use this effectively.
All the best!
Kenrick
PS... Don't forget to post your comments on the blog.
Leave a Reply
 Print This Post
 Email This Post
Tags:
No Tags
|
|
| |
Loading ...
Dear Persuader,
In a previous article I talked about using the term ‘everything happens for a reason’ to utilize the trust that many people have in this concept. I also wrote about superstition and the concept that ‘there are no accidents’ which happens to be a very powerful persuasion tool, and if you’ve read those two articles and attempted to implement the learning into your life, you already know what I mean about power.
Well, assigning blame is the other side of the ‘everything happens for a reason’/’there are no accidents’ coin. Wherein both of these concepts use our prospect’s belief in an ordered, equitable universe, assigning blame uses a common enemy as a means to persuade.
Sign Up For more Persuasion Techniques!
Better hang on here if you are religiously oriented because I’m going to shake the tree just a little bit here. (Disclaimer: My intention is never to intrude on anyone’s beliefs or practices because I vehemently believe in Freedom of Religion and to me, this extends to spiritual practice of all kind. But, like it or not, religion and spirituality are intertwined with everything in life and I use the examples below to teach persuasion, not to push my beliefs or dissuade yours.)
In group theory, there’s a lot of discussion about enemies, common enemies. One of the greatest ways you can ever use to bond a group is for them to have a common enemy.
Let’s start with Christianity as an example. What’s the common enemy of Christianity? Well, you probably know right off the top of your head, it’s the devil. How is this installed in Christians from an early age? Well, we start saying things like, ‘We as humans are born into a world of sin and the mere act of being born causes us to not be able to get into the life hereafter until and unless we accept Jesus as our savior.’
That’s pretty intense. Let’s look at the enemy. The enemy is, just being born, because we’re born into sin. Who’s responsible for that? The devil.
This is a great tool. I heard someone say many years ago, ‘The devil is the best friend the Christian ever had because without him, there would be no need for a savior.’ Think about the word ‘savior’. Savior implies someone needs saving. And if you’re born into sin, you in fact do need saving.
Again, I’m not debating any of this. In fact, I’m kind of being the devil’s advocate here, so to speak, because I’m literally standing back and removing my own beliefs just to point out to you what’s going on so you can see this.
Now does it mean, by the way, having a common enemy is a bad thing? No, I think common enemies are great things. But one has to be careful and responsible. Is it responsible of a Christian to say that the devil’s a common enemy? Absolutely.
Also note the advantage of pointing at a common enemy that you can’t see, you can’t hear, and in fact, even humanities basic drives and desires can be attributed to the influence of this being? It’s pretty amazing. (From my previous article ‘Very Superstitious’, can see how this might fit into the definition of ‘superstition’?)
We have an inherent need to assign blame. In fact, it’s so fundamental to the core of who we are that everybody does this.
How about a political example? How about the ‘War on Terror’ or the ‘War on Poverty’? It’s virtually impossible to argue that anyone is for ‘terror’ or ‘poverty’. These are cultural common enemies. Terror and poverty, however, are concepts, not actual, tangible physical groups against which a war can be won, but notice how insanely powerful as enemies. If winning a ‘war’ against a concept were possible, I’d sign up and fight.
So I’m contrasting ‘things happen for a reason’ with ‘blame.’ So at our core, we look to assign fault.
A word of warning: I wouldn’t dwell in the land of negativity, it’s like a double-edged sword. It cuts going and coming. Be very careful.
Kenrick
PS... Be sure and post your comments to the blog.
Leave a Reply
Print This Post
Email This Post
Tags:
No Tags
|
|
| |
Loading ...
A very spiritual woman I know shared the following with me: she said, ‘I used to have unfortunate beliefs about myself and I received back from external influences unfortunate results. When I decided to take control and raise my resonance, to be the change I wanted to become, to allow abundance and love come flow through me, absolutely everything fell into place. I am now living a life of leisure with a beautiful husband and I can draw what I want into my universe at will.’
What does it take to be a love magnet, or a money magnet, or a health magnet?
It takes a shift in perception and really, that’s all it takes.
Sign Up For more Persuasion Techniques!
We choose what to focus on. We choose to be really bummed out when it rains, or we choose to appreciate the downpour as a great opportunity to take care of indoor activities, or even better, to leave the umbrella at home and go for a walk. One person’s inconvenience is another’s puddle splashing fun.
When we focus on good, good comes to us. When we focus on grief, we grieve. This is not to say there’s no place for grief in life, it’s just to say, we need to be mindful that we’re not suffering over our own suffering. We do not need to be grief magnets.
I overheard a girl in a café the other day telling her friend, ‘I’m a freak magnet. I can’t leave my apartment without running into someone either clinically insane or whacked out on drugs or fanatical about some weirdness who wants to have extensive interaction with me.’
The friend responded, ‘That’s so strange. You live in a really nice place, in a really nice neighborhood. You wouldn’t think there’d be that many weirdoes around.’
‘They’re everywhere I am. It’s like they’re out there waiting for me to leave my house just so they can shout in my face or try to get me to join their cult.’
I thought to myself how awful it was for this girl to have this belief about herself, that no matter where she goes, no matter what she’s doing, she’s going to draw the lowest common denominator to her.
This is really how attraction works. What you think about yourself, you are. What you believe about the world, is your reality. What you speak, is your truth.
I almost wanted to say to her, ‘You know, you could just as easily not be a ‘freak magnet’ by simply telling yourself that you’re another kind of magnet.’ Then I realized that, sadly, my intrusion would only further confirm her self-diagnosis and she’d misinterpret my advice as more freakery, as in, ‘Yeah, this guy came up to me in the café and told me to be another kind of magnet. He looked pretty normal, but what a freak!’
So whatever your beliefs are about the world, I implore you, take this freak’s advice and adjust it to bring you all that you ever wanted and not the lowest common denominator.
Kenrick
PS... Be sure to post your comments and thoughts on the blog.
Leave a Reply
Print This Post
Email This Post
Tags:
No Tags
|
|
| |
Loading ...
Dear Persuader,
Last week I got a call from an acquaintance of mine. He said, ‘Remember that conversation we had about Africa a few weeks ago? Well, I just checked my e-mail and you won’t believe it. I won an international lottery originating in Africa. You know, I’m just convinced everything happens for a reason, don’t you think?’
I thought for a few moments and I responded, ‘You know, I think you’re right. Everything does happen for a reason and really it’s a good thing that we’re talking right now.’ I went on to explain that I personally win probably three or four international lotteries a day and none of them are real.
Sign Up For more Persuasion Techniques!
I got to thinking about this conversation and I realized that people look for supporting evidence for what they want in their environment. In this case, here he was remembering our conversation, then he received an e-mail talking about winning a lottery from Africa and somehow he kind of put two and two together in a way that didn’t add up. That’s when he began talking about everything happening for a reason.
Unfortunately, I had to burst the bubble in order to keep him safe, but the point of it is why did he use that language? This language pattern is going to knock your socks off and enable you to influence and persuade in a very deep and profound way.
Why do people look for supporting evidence for what they want in their environment? Oftentimes they do this because our world is very unstable. Whenever there’s a tremendous lack of stability, with everything kind of up in the air, people start turning to religion, they start turning to God, they start turning to spirituality and they become more superstitious.
As I explain this pattern to you, please understand, my goal is to break things down in a way that gives us tremendous power with our language, our words and persuasion, and in so doing, help you to have more success in your life. That’s my purpose in this discussion. If you don’t believe in God, or you’re not a spiritual person, my point is not to influence you towards or away from anything except towards a language pattern or away from not being as successful as you like, that you’ll be able to use these patterns for your benefit and for the benefit of your clients.
When I said, ‘everything does happen for a reason’ it means that I’m alluding to something more than simply what he’s just referred to and that’s really important that he understood. Then I went on to say, ‘Good thing we’re talking’. Again, this implies that there’s perhaps something more than what he was just thinking about. That set the stage for me to have entry into his mind and to help him to understand the difficulty that he was about to face.
People look for supporting evidence for what they want in their environment and I believe it’s our job to give it to them. There are language patterns that are in the popular lexicon right now that we can use to our advantage very powerfully.
When we hear these things we can use them to our advantage powerfully, and I mean, really powerfully. For example, saying ‘things happen for a reason’ supports what you want to happen.
Let’s say you’re an advisor and you’re talking with someone, and they say something positive like, ‘Wow, it’s a good thing that I’m talking with you here today because I feel like I’m really getting somewhere in my learning, in my understanding of how all this works.’ And your response could be, ‘Fantastic, after all, there are no accidents, right?’
Is that a stretch to say? I don’t think it’s a stretch for anybody, no matter what our belief system is. After all, everything happens for a reason, it’s just a matter of whether or not it’s a reason you like.
No language pattern is an island and our goal as persuaders is to layer pattern upon pattern and these patterns piece together a deeper sense of reality when you do this right, what you’re going to be doing is using all sorts of these patterns at high speed.
To your success!
Kenrick
PS... Don't forget to post your thoughts and comments on the blog.
Leave a Reply
Print This Post
Email This Post
Tags:
No Tags
|
|
| |
Loading ...
Dear Persuader,
Have you ever gone into a supermarket or drugstore for a tube of toothpaste and found yourself confronted with forty different varieties?
It’s a simple enough substance—toothpaste—which we use every day (hopefully - don't get me started on Jessica Simpson), and yet there are dozens and dozens of choices. There are toothpastes with whiteners and/or baking soda; toothpastes for sensitive gums; natural toothpastes; toothpastes of various flavors —cinnamon, spearmint, fennel, wintergreen; kids toothpastes--silly strawberry, bubble gum, berry. And once we figure out the brand, we have to figure out what size and then tube, pump, squeeze bottle etc...
Sign Up For more Persuasion Techniques!
It takes most of us seconds to choose because we don’t stray from what we’ve been using ‘forever’ or staying brand loyal to what our parents used. But when our parents were growing up, there weren’t nearly as many choices.
It’s a minor, run of the mill decision, but one that illustrates just how very many choices we make every single day, from our toothpaste, to cell phone provider, to the brands we eat, wear and use.
Barry Schwartz, professor of Social Theory and Social Action at Swarthmore College, has written a book called, ‘The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less—How The Culture of Abundance Robs us of Satisfaction’. It is a very interesting look at how the ever expanding amount of ‘choice’ we have in every dimension of our lives is eroding the simple pleasures that used to be omnipresent.
This is an important perspective especially as it relates to our professions, products, and services. How many of you are there out in the world? Are you one in a million or one of a million? And how can your existence simplify the life of your prospect or client?
The goal of choice has been to liberate us, to give us a degree of control over our lives, to give us autonomy and distinction. However, as Mr. Schwartz suggests, ‘. . .as the number of choices keeps growing, negative aspects of having a multitude of options begin to appear. As the number of choices grows further, the negatives escalate until we become overloaded.’
As people who sell a product or service, we need to keep in mind that there are a multitude of similar products or service providers out there and that what makes us special is that, as persuaders, we are able to reach into the core of our prospects and clients to discover their specific key, their unique combination of values and criteria. When we establish rapport, elicit criteria, and establish ourselves as ‘the answer’, there is no need for this unbearable overload to occur in the minds of our prospects.
Schwartz writes of the political philosopher Isaiah Berlin, who beautifully described the continuum of towards and away in his distinction between ‘negative liberty’ and ‘positive liberty’. He says, “Negative liberty is ‘freedom from’—freedom from constraint, freedom from being told what to do by others. Positive liberty is ‘freedom to’—the availability of opportunities to be the author of your life and to make it meaningful and significant.”
Wow! A better description of the ‘towards/away’ continuum doesn’t exist. Do we see in our prospects the desire to be free from constraints? How can we show them that our product or service is the answer to this? Do we have a towards person who wants to take in all the amazing opportunities our products and services have to offer? In what ways to do you see the paradox of choice at play in your business life?
Be sure and post your comments to the blog.
Kenrick
Leave a Reply
Print This Post
Email This Post
Tags:
No Tags
|
|
| |
Loading ...
Dear Persuader,
I saw a commercial that really struck me as an example of hilariously warped framing. The soundtrack to this commercial is an old Rolling Stones song, ‘I’m Free’. People are frolicking around, as they are in many commercials, and they are spending money they probably don’t have. The commercial is for the Chase Freedom Card.
The frame is this: using this card frees you, liberates you, allows you to do anything you want to do, any time you want to do it. You can buy furniture, go to Paris, order anything you want online, and experience true, unadulterated independence, choice and autonomy if you’d only just apply for this card.
Sign Up For more Persuasion Techniques!
I don’t think they were going for irony, but it struck me immediately. Being in debt is the absolute opposite of being free. Of course, they’re not saying you’ll be ‘free from debt’ but free to spend as much as your credit line allows and free to possibly default on your payments and in turn, free to pay exorbitant late fees and finance charges.
So, in a sense, I guess you really are free with the Freedom Card.
As a young man I realized the slippery slope that credit cards represented. And I’ll tell you, these years were not about frolicking and laughing about how much cool stuff I was able to get without exchanging cash.
My students are not people who carry enormous amounts of credit card debt, so when I teach it’s almost like I’m preaching to the choir when I say that debt, especially of the credit card variety, is bad debt.
If you’re in a position where you can’t yet afford to frolic using cash, it’s not time yet to frolic. Build up a reserve of ‘F’ you money (which, I realize, is a bit of a naughty term, but truly what it encompasses—the ability to tell any boss or employer “‘F’ you, I’m not going to be subjected to this”—is worth more than any bauble or superfluous item bought on credit with the Freedom Card).
Okay, enough of that lecture. . . My real point here was to discuss the frame around the concept of credit as freedom. By taking a rather nefarious industry, giving it a fresh coat of paint, giving it a theme song, calling it exactly the opposite of what it is, Chase has tried to reinvent their image from something that imprisons people in debt, to something that gives people the ability to live life to the fullest.
Is it false advertising? I see it as that. Is the frame effective? Are people really buying it? Well, when I mentioned this commercial to one of my employees she told me that she and her husband have a ‘Freedom Card’ and constantly joke about how much freer they feel whenever they’re forced to use it (i.e. emergency vet bills or something unexpected popping up). She told me she recently replaced their television set and put it on the freedom card. ‘At least I’ll have something to watch while I’m not experiencing freedom.’
Frame your way to freedom... or not. =)
Kenrick
Leave a Reply
Print This Post
Email This Post
Tags:
No Tags
|
|
| |
Loading ...
Dear Persuader,
"Our value is the sum of our values." --Joe Batten
This is a great process that will help you in your persuasion skills. I think you’ll find it quite interesting.
Sign Up For more Persuasion Techniques!
I’ve always said that if you want to make advancements in your persuasion ability, you need to make advancements in yourself. This is advancement.
What we’re going to do is get our top values and put them in rank order. It’s pretty easy to do, and in future articles we’re going to take this on to new and interesting levels for you and then show you how you can use it to help persuade.
I’m just going to give you some examples of core values and please, feel free to add to the list.
- Honesty
- Freedom
- Security
- Passion
- Freedom
- Recognition
- Integrity
- Health
- Family
- Spouse
- Friends
- Spirituality
- Money
- Love
- Success
- Recognition
- Education
- Self improvement
- Adventure
- Fun
- Financial independence
- Variety
- Knowledge
- Self actualization
- Wisdom
- Accomplishment
- Power
Notice that happiness is missing... that’s because happiness is not a value but what will come if the core value is actualized.
Now, we’re going to put them in rank order. Take the top ten from the above list and with the ones you’ve added in and from there we’ll determine the top five in this way: Say your list, in no particular order is, health, love, money, passion, freedom, knowledge, wisdom, friends, accomplishment, recognition. These are your top ten core values.
We’ll start with health and move through the list. If you could have either perfect health and no love or you could have perfect love and no health, which would you choose? We’ll just randomly choose health for the sake of this example. So if you could have the best health or all the money you wanted, which would you choose? And we’ll choose health again. Okay, if you could have perfect health and no freedom or absolute freedom and poor health?
In this way, we go through the list to determine the top five.
What’s the value in this, you might ask. Well, if a sales professional had these top five values, (security, wealth, family), do you think they might be able to effectively interweave your security, wealth and family into the conversation about their product or service?
Of course, this isn’t information that we readily give out to everyone, nor do we elicit our prospect’s values, but what are we doing when we elicit criteria? We’re eliciting their specific values/criteria as they relate to the situation we’re asking about.
Eliciting criteria is one of the most effective ways to connect your prospect with what you’re selling. It’s easy to do and once you really get the hang of it… it’s really fun!
Happy persuading,
Kenrick
Leave a Reply
Print This Post
Email This Post
Tags:
No Tags
|
|
| |
Loading ...
Dear Persuader,
Americans love to talk. Americans also love to be talked to -- listening to the TV or the stereo or talk radio -- anything so that there’s no silence. Silence we seem to delegate to those few days a year when we get back to nature.
In conversations, especially, there’s a real fear of silence, an awkwardness that sort of permeates the in between spaces where there is no one talking and most people will do anything possible to fill up that silence with noise regardless of whether or not it’s going to damage their chances of selling their product or service.
Sign Up For more Persuasion Techniques!
Part of this filling in of the spaces, is the chatter. We’re all familiar with the classic sales persona, looking at the photographs on the wall or desk of their prospect, asking how the wife and kids or husband and kids are, how the golf game is -- basically, chit chat. And even more detrimental to sales, is the chit chat that happens after the sale is in the bag, but not signed off on. This is the stuff that breaks the deal because maybe we’re excited about having made the sale and we begin to blather on and on. . .
Personally one of the biggest breakthroughs that happened for me in my career in sales is when I realized that I didn’t have to spend a tremendous amount of time in chit chat. I can tell you I can’t even count, as I was growing up and starting out in sales, the number of times when chit chat derailed my objective. It was a constant. I would say something wrong or I would go on too long about a particular topic and next thing you know, I was derailed.
If a prospect or client was looking for a way out, I would give it to them eventually if I chattered on too long. I kept wondering why they didn’t want to be more like my friend, why they didn’t want to talk about more personal, day-to-day stuff. I can tell you the reason this is the case is because they weren’t getting the answer to a burning question within them.
Granted, I’ve been blessed with the gift of gab. The shift in my thinking came when I realized I had to fashion what I was saying to focus intently on the prospect and their needs and not my own agenda.
So what is the burning question? The question is, “What can you do for me, Kenrick?” Our prospects are ultimately wanting to know, “What’s in this for me? What is it that you’re going to do to help me?” The only way to find the answers to these questions is to elicit their criteria and once you’ve elicited their criteria, then we have to get to the meaning.
Criteria and its meaning have got to be the foremost thing in your mind when making a sale, no ifs, ands or buts. Remember this, and you won’t be derailed.
To your success,
Kenrick
Leave a Reply
Print This Post
Email This Post
Tags:
No Tags
|
|
| |
Loading ...
Dear Persuaders,
While I’m thrilled that all my thirsty new students are so eager to learn that they’d work themselves into a frenzy to try to get it all at once, I don’t want that passion for persuasion to become stressful or overwhelming. As one person put it, “I kind of feel like I’m drinking from a fire hose.” I want you all to fear not.
Stop! Take a deep breath. . . now let it go.
Sign Up For more Persuasion Techniques!
Persuasion is a process, just as living is a process.
My programs are always intense with a tremendous amount of content. It’s perfectly natural to feel overwhelmed to some extent. However, keep in mind a few things that I think will help you.
The first thing I would suggest for those of you just starting out with my programs, those of you just opening your eyes to the vastness of the topics we explore, I would very much suggest you listen. Listen to each session and then do it again and again. Even if you don’t think you’re getting it at first, be assured, you’re getting it.
This learning is ongoing because A, there’s so much of it, and B it’s ever evolving.
If you don’t get the opportunity of hearing something the first go around, you’ll hear it again the next time you listen, you’ll keep hearing things. Get it at whatever level you can and then start applying it. Then as you apply it, I’ll show you how to refine it and make it even more powerful.
What we are really studying here is human behavior. This is something you will hear me say over and over. We are studying human behavior, and since human behavior is not now nor will ever be entirely predictable, we keep improving our strategies to be able to interact persuasively.
This learning keeps us on the leading edge all the time compared to those that have typical sales training as a background. People are individuals with different criteria, with different ways of interacting, and as such, the keys to unlocking their particular patterns are all going to be different as well.
Some of my students have been working with me for four or five years. Some have just started recently. There are always new people month to month, week to week, etc...
One expectation I’m finding many new students have is that there should be a level of mastery. But I’ll tell you what, I haven’t mastered this, none of my students have mastered this, and that’s because human nature is constantly evolving and with it we evolve and learn and reach and strive for more excellence, and that’s all that we need ask of ourselves.
Certainly, it wouldn’t hurt to do a lot of practicing either. I’m not suggesting in any way that you don’t need to practice, I’m just saying that learning is going to happen whether or not you pressure yourself. Wouldn’t it be more enjoyable not to pressure yourself?
This is what I explained to my new student who was worried that he wasn’t getting IT enough to satisfy his high degree of thirst. “If you step back and have perspective on this, imagine yourself able to catch the spray from the fire hose instead of having it aimed straight at your face.”
To your success,
Kenrick
Leave a Reply
Print This Post
Email This Post
Tags:
No Tags
|
|
| |
Loading ...
Dear Persuaders,
I really like you, but...
I agree with you, but...
Sign Up For more Persuasion Techniques!
You look great in that dress, but...
Do you get the feeling from these three examples that whatever coming next might not be so good?
Precision with language is one of the hallmarks of a world class persuader and the big ‘but’ is a huge negator which can cost you persuasion power.
‘But’ actually weakens your ability to persuade others. Whether you use it in print, in conversations, e-mail, or any other form of communication, it’s a tiny yet dangerous word.
How does ‘but’ hurt you? Well, let’s take the examples above. Have you ever had a romantic interest say to you, ‘You know, I really like you a lot, but...’? What usually comes next?
Well, how about, ‘...but I really just want to be friends.’ Yikes! Or I’m sure we’ve all heard this at least once, ‘...but I’m just not ready to be in a relationship.’ Ouch!
Then there’s, ‘I agree with you, but...’ But what? ‘But it’s just too expensive.’ Ugh. ‘But I still think I’m right.’
Using ‘but’ in the sentence negated everything that came before it. What ‘I agree with you, but...’ is really saying is, ‘I don’t agree with you.’
Another thing your big 'but' can do is make you sound indecisive, wishy washy, or like a dreaded waffler. It softens the power and strength of your message, lessens your authority, and exposes weakness and avoiding this appearance of indecisiveness is especially important when persuading your prospects.
What’s more persuasive--using negating words like ‘but’, or a more solid statement like, ‘I don’t agree with you, and here’s why…’?
Take special notice when others use the word ‘but’. Doesn’t it feel like they’re not telling you the whole story, like there’s something they aren’t expressing, something they’re not saying?
You might even get left with the feeling of ‘What else is wrong? What else am I not aware of?’
When this occurs, our brains perform what is called a trans-derivational search (TDS) in order to internally search for what’s wrong. You’re actually attempting to mind-read what you think they’re leaving out. In most cases, this leaves you assuming they disagree with you. That’s the opposite of rapport.
I noticed a big but awhile back. Paris Hilton was being interviewed before she went to jail (the first time). Her sentences were filled with incongruencies and at one point where she said (and I’m paraphrasing), ‘Well, I feel really bad about what I’ve done and I’m ready to face the consequences of my actions, but…’ and then she just trailed off. She didn’t finish her sentence.
But? ‘...but, I’m a beautiful, spoiled, privileged, entitled heiress and I can do whatever I want’? ‘...but bite me. I’ll do whatever I please with no consequences’? See? That’s where my trans-derivational search went. I filled in her blank with my own mind reading abilities. I’d say I’m not too far off on this one. =)
One of the great secrets to persuasion is reading between the lines. What people say is what they mean. ‘But’ is a perfect example of this. Listening to what people say is your job. Take a moment to distinguish the actual words and you’ll likely be surprised at what they are really saying.
There’s a really easy way to eliminate ‘but’ and regain your persuasive power. Simply replace it with ‘and’.
Instead of, ‘I agree with you, but I still think I’m right.’ Try, ‘I agree with you and I still think I’m right.’ Instead of, ‘I really want to hire you, but we can’t afford what you’re asking.’ Try, ‘I really want to hire you, and we can’t afford what you’re asking.’
Notice how this gives you more credibility when speaking to others. The more congruency you have in your communication and the fewer contradictions you make, the more successful you will be in persuading others.
Warmly,
Kenrick
Leave a Reply
Print This Post
Email This Post
Tags:
No Tags
|
|
| |
Want More?
Keep Rolling on the
Next Page >
OR -- check out our archives in the sidebar. We continuously
update this site with fresh new content.
For example ...
|
|
|
(3 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)
I choose a world view that contributes to my happiness and success and that represents the type of reality I choose to embody and create. Obviously, that doesn't make it "right", just right for me.
(2 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)
Recent Posts
Categories
Archives
Subscriptions
RSS
Ratings
EMail
June 17th, 2010 at 10:50 am Quote
Great post!
I read about this a long time ago, and the people who were doing it reported that the person who was "entered" would often spontaneously start a conversation with the one who had been "inside them" and reveal intimate information about themselves without any prompting. And there was no verbal contact while the "entering" had gone on, nor was the person even visually aware of the one who had entered them before speaking.
This is also a great way for men to feel what women are really like, and vice versa. A lot of compassion, deeper appreciation and love might just result. After all, the unconscious does not really perceive other people as "other", as in, if you speak badly about someone, your unconscious thinks it is you whom you are talking about...
June 18th, 2010 at 9:43 pm Quote
Great Post..
Where can we learn about the patterns of voice characteristic and how to use them?
June 19th, 2010 at 4:07 pm Quote
Ilona Selke said on June 19, 2010
Dear Kenrick
What an awesome person you are. First let me THANK YOU SO MUCH, a million times over, for the CHANGES you brought into our lives with just one session back in 1988 or so!
About slipping into others' s minds. Yes, we all need to remember that we are on Earth to grow beyond where we have been before. All of human kind can be a super human, function at higher levels than ever before.
I tried this method with a few friends in Hawaii. One was an acupuncturist. We all chose an orchid that was in the middle of the restaurant table at which we were sitting before dinner.
As a way to pass time we slipped into each others minds. It was awe inspiring to feel and see the world my acupuncturist saw his. He felt such a vast world, lines of energy connecting everything.
We all felt a rapport that was deeper than any conversation could bring about. Now I teach it in my seminars in Europe, and people find out that they "know" so much more about others than they ever could dream in their wildest dream.
One other time stands out. I slipped into the mind of a guy I really liked, while he slipped into mine. I had really wanted him. Now for the first time I FELT how he disliked women, a left over attitude from a past life experience that dominated him still now. I finally understood how he could be so aloof, something I could never understand before.
One word of consideration. On planet Earth we don't all play with the same deck of cards. Some have been around more times than others, and have access to a larger multi-dimenisonal tool kit, ie awareness than others.
Be considerate in using your higher skills. Work only for the good of the whole, or the other and you. Make it always a win win situation.
Ilona Selke
http://www.ilonaselke.com
June 21st, 2010 at 8:20 am Quote
Great article. Perhaps people respond so strongly to another person stepping inside their skin, because we all crave, at the very deepest level, a listener. What better way to "listen" someone than to become them for awhile? Maybe listening is akin to mind-reading.
July 26th, 2010 at 9:44 pm Quote
Very much akin to that. In fact, try it on and watch what happens. You may feel immediately more intuitive, and in fact you just might be. Works wonders for me.
July 26th, 2010 at 9:49 pm Quote
My beloved friend - thank you for your post. Your words honor me. I hope you and Don are doing fantastic.
I agree that not all are playing with the same deck. Well said. I've found your teachings to help considerably in adding to any deck one might have.
Hopefully one day I'll make it to your island paradise - and maybe one day you both will make it part of your journeys to visit here.
Stop by more often. I miss you.
July 26th, 2010 at 9:56 pm Quote
Great question. In addition to what I teach in The Persuasion Factor I really benefited from my friend Jonathon Altfield's program called: Irresistible Voice. He's got one of the best programs on training your voice and he definitely practices what he teaches. Hope that helps.
July 26th, 2010 at 9:56 pm Quote
Yes Gail. You're right. It can also be a lot of fun.