Dear Persuaders,

I really like you, but...

I agree with you, but...

You look great in that dress, but...

Do you get the feeling from these three examples that whatever coming next might not be so good?

Precision with language is one of the hallmarks of a world class persuader and the big ‘but’ is a huge negator which can cost you persuasion power.

‘But’ actually weakens your ability to persuade others.  Whether you use it in print, in conversations, e-mail, or any other form of communication, it’s a tiny yet dangerous word.

How does ‘but’ hurt you?  Well, let’s take the examples above.  Have you ever had a romantic interest say to you, ‘You know, I really like you a lot, but...’?  What usually comes next?

Well, how about, ‘...but I really just want to be friends.’  Yikes!  Or I’m sure we’ve all heard this at least once,  ‘...but I’m just not ready to be in a relationship.’  Ouch!

Then there’s, ‘I agree with you, but...’  But what?  ‘But it’s just too expensive.’  Ugh.  ‘But I still think I’m right.’

Using ‘but’ in the sentence negated everything that came before it.  What ‘I agree with you, but...’ is really saying is, ‘I don’t agree with you.’

Another thing your big 'but' can do is make you sound indecisive, wishy washy, or like a dreaded waffler.  It softens the power and strength of your message, lessens your authority, and exposes weakness and avoiding this appearance of indecisiveness is especially important when persuading your prospects.

What’s more persuasive--using negating words like ‘but’, or a more solid statement like, ‘I don’t agree with you, and here’s why…’?

Take special notice when others use the word ‘but’.  Doesn’t it feel like they’re not telling you the whole story, like there’s something they aren’t expressing, something they’re not saying?

You might even get left with the feeling of ‘What else is wrong?  What else am I not aware of?’

When this occurs, our brains perform what is called a trans-derivational search (TDS) in order to internally search for what’s wrong.  You’re actually attempting to mind-read what you think they’re leaving out.  In most cases, this leaves you assuming they disagree with you.  That’s the opposite of rapport.

I noticed a big but awhile back.  Paris Hilton was being interviewed before she went to jail (the first time).  Her sentences were filled with incongruencies and at one point where she said (and I’m paraphrasing), ‘Well, I feel really bad about what I’ve done and I’m ready to face the consequences of my actions, but…’ and then she just trailed off.  She didn’t finish her sentence.

But?  ‘...but, I’m a beautiful, spoiled, privileged, entitled heiress and I can do whatever I want’?  ‘...but bite me.  I’ll do whatever I please with no consequences’?  See?  That’s where my trans-derivational search went.  I filled in her blank with my own mind reading abilities.  I’d say I’m not too far off on this one.  =)

One of the great secrets to persuasion is reading between the lines.  What people say is what they mean.  ‘But’ is a perfect example of this.  Listening to what people say is your job.  Take a moment to distinguish the actual words and you’ll likely be surprised at what they are really saying.

There’s a really easy way to eliminate ‘but’ and regain your persuasive power.  Simply replace it with ‘and’.

Instead of, ‘I agree with you, but I still think I’m right.’ Try, ‘I agree with you and I still think I’m right.’  Instead of, ‘I really want to hire you, but we can’t afford what you’re asking.’  Try, ‘I really want to hire you, and we can’t afford what you’re asking.’

Notice how this gives you more credibility when speaking to others.  The more congruency you have in your communication and the fewer contradictions you make, the more successful you will be in persuading others.

Warmly,

Kenrick

Dear Persuaders,

This might be kind of a personal question, or perhaps uncomfortable, but it’s something that will advance your persuasion skills immeasurably.   Are you interesting?  In other words, is what you’re saying and how you’re saying it, engaging and appealing to your prospects and clients?  I’m not just talking about the presentation of your product or service, but the before and after talk when you’re simply conversing.

Do you have the ability to talk about any subject off the top of your head?  And I mean most any subject, because the people you’re talking with are going to bring things up and it behooves you to keep up and have the ability to talk about them too.

If you answered no,  you can’t converse on most any subject, here’s a good creativity exercise for you that will help you to gain power with this ability.

Pick a word, a noun, a person, place, thing, or idea, and then come up with other things that it reminds you of.  This is free association.   For example, the word ‘elephant’.  When you hear the word ‘elephant’, what other words do you think of?  Some that I thought of are: tusks, herds, Africa, large game animals, hunting, knowing when and where you’ll die or issues of death, survival, slow and deliberate, memory. ..  you get the point.   I could have gone on for an hour or more because every one of those words would remind me of other things.

By the way, do you know that elephants know where they’re going to die and when?  There are places called elephant graveyards.  When an elephant gets ready to die, (provided that they aren’t hunted down) they go off to the elephant graveyard for their particular herd.

I’ve also heard that elephants have very sensitive souls.  I saw this on an Animal Planet show.  When I heard that, I couldn’t figure out if the souls of their feet are sensitive or if their spiritual souls are sensitive, because both were present in the story.

See?  There are two interesting (I think) tidbits about elephants.  You wouldn’t believe how much is stored up there in your other than conscious which you can really enhance too.

If you were to do this exercise at least once per day, you’ll find after a few weeks that you start getting far more creative and far more capable of talking on any subject that happens to come up.  It will actually help to make you become more interesting.

Another way to determine if you’re interesting is to record yourself and listen to what you’ve said.  Would you bore you?   Do you have really strange inflections or breathing patterns?  Do you breathe noisily into the phone?  Do you have other linguistic afflictions?  Do you go off on tangents and forget to turn back to where you were heading?

If you have trouble figuring this out yourself, ask a close friend to rate your communication.

If they’re game and actually go through with it, giving you feedback, don’t get mad when they come up with something.

Work on these things and mainly, keep alert.  If you see your prospect’s eyes glazing over or losing their train of thought, or if they begin to fidget check in with them, and check in with yourself.

Kenrick

Dear Persuader,

One of my coaching members, Dr. Charles W. Martin, sent this to me.  His message is so applicable that I asked his permission to give this to you.

The Stupid Tax

copyright 2009 Charles W. Martin

www.AffluentPracticeSystems.com

804-320-6800

When he spoke the room grew quiet. What he said next gave the entire assemblage one of the biggest ah-ha's of the entire conference. First, he related how he had tried to go it alone and how much he had spent. It was nearly fifty thousand a month promoting his business. His tone foreshadowed his next words.

"I had been paying the stupid tax month in and month out because I thought I could go it alone. Yet when I finally did get the advice and consulting I needed, my promotion spend dropped to twenty-five thousand a month with better results."

John's admission created more than a little buzz in the room as each member of the crowd reflected on his own life and the stupid tax he had paid on more than one occasion.

For the throng, it was one of those unexpected learning moments - a treasure that made the entire day worthwhile all by itself.

How many forms of the stupid tax have you seen others pay? Have you paid yourself?

First, the definition of stupid tax: the money, time, energy or effort you paid or lost needlessly.

The stupid tax is an error that costs you that didn't have to.

Patients pay this toll repeatedly - waiting until the problems are so bad that the time, energy and expense to repair them mount to thousands or tens of thousands of dollars.

The tax is paid when one keeps doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

The tax is levied against one when one fails to act when one knows one should.

The tax is extracted from one's bank account when one tries to go it alone when one is not an expert in a field when one needs an expert.

This "unnecessary fee" is paid when one fails to implement what works.

The tax comes due when one tries to go cheap when one shouldn't.

The tax gets paid when patience is required and impatience reigns.

The tax is paid when one doesn't nurture one's leads and doesn't continue to communicate with both leads and existing patients.

The stupid tax is life's way of teaching us lessons - hopefully only once instead of several times over.

Do you know someone who is paying one now? Can you help them?

All the best!

Kenrick